The "Worst Year" is My Best Year

2016 has been an awesome year. Here is a list to prove how magical it has been:

1. I got to see Xiomara, a wonderful, artistic woman who was my teaching assistant when I worked in the high school program at Hostos Community College, years ago. She introduced me to her artistic friends and family at the Botanical Garden. It was lovely!

2. I celebrated Papi's 79th birthday! Here, he and Mami kiss over birthday flan.

3. Vincent and I celebrated our 11th anniversary! We went to the Russian Tea Room.

4. I was accepted into the Kweli Writing Workshop and received invaluable mentorship from Laura Pegram. I strongly recommend it to any writer at any stage of his/her/their career.

5. I was accepted into a Creative Capital Fellowship program and received incredible tools in order to continue my work as a writer.

6. I had the opportunity to be one of the preliminary judges in the Nelson Algren Stort Story contest; this was so exciting for me because I always list Nelson Algren as one of my favorite writers (a fellow-Chicagoan!). Thank you, Nancy Mendez-Booth for recommending me! 2017 submissions are open now!

7. I had a second monologue brought to life by In Full Color, a production which highlights the experiences of women of color. Thank you Summer, Paola, and The Art House!

8. I had my monologue, "Hardcore Chica Punk Birth Fragments," produced for a second time (the original was by In Full Color last year), by the Reproductive Freedom Festival. This was live-streamed worldwide. Thank you Cindy Cooper and Words of Choice.

9. Both monologues mentioned were published in two anthologies: The In Full Color Anthology and The Reproductive Freedom Anthology.

10. I was able to be a part of Montclair State University's Live Literature program again. Thank you Melissa Adamo!

11. I got to perform with Vincent, as our collective GRITO, at the Bronx Community College English Department's Faculty Lecture Series, and it was amazing!

12. I got to see the incredible Buraka Som Sistema and dance my ass off!

13. It was wonderful to provide Mami with tickets to see Michel Camilo, one of the best jazz pianists alive. Yay!

14. I was able to provide a modest scholarship to a student graduating in the Social Science Department at Bronx Community College; the scholarship is the Rev. Dr. Samuel Acosta Memorial Scholarship. It will be provided every year.

15. My panel on social justice and creative writing was accepted by the "Celebrating the Poetic Legacy of Whitman, Williams and Ginsberg: A Literary Festival and Conference," at The Poetry Center at Passaic County Community College (which has hosted Poet Laureates, Inaugural Poets, and Pulitzer Prize-winning poets from all over the U.S.). The conference is in June 2017 and the folks on the panel include Vincent Toro, Marina Carreira, Ellen Hagan, and Jeremy Michael Clark.

16. Maria Mazziotti-Gillan was a featured speaker at Bronx Community College, upon my recommendation, and she rocked!

17. When Vincent featured at NJPAC for its Oigo a Cantar event, featuring Bobby Sanabria, Mr. Sanabria brought me up on stage to help him teach everyone how to salsa properly. Vaya!

18. I had the honor of celebrating Vincent's beautiful book, Stereo. Island. Mosaic., at his book party at the Nuyorican Poet's Cafe'. The poets who read include Carlos Manuel Rivera, Ellen Hagan, Marina Carreira, Rosebud Ben-Oni, Rigoberto Gozales, Kamilah Aisha Moon, and Michael VanCalbergh - all of them so wonderful and genuine. Thank you to Kweli for supporting this event.

19. I was asked to write about my vision for the 1st ever Hall of Fame, housed at Bronx Community College. The essay is here. I still think Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor and Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall belong there.

20. My poems were accepted by the Lauren Hill Reader project. They are forthcoming.

21. My short fiction was accepted by the BASTA: 100 Latinas Write on Violence Against Women project. The anthology is forthcoming.

22. I was asked to organize Hispanic Heritage Month at Bronx Community College by Prithi Kanakamedala and Ahmed Reid (of the BCC History Department). Thank you, Carmen Rivera, for providing your papers and ephemera for an exciting exhibit, and thank you for the wonderful conversation with a packed house of students. I tried to facilitate many other events, including a poetry reading featuring J.F. Seary, organized by Prof. Melissa Coss-Aquino, an exhibit of Latinx artwork, and a dance class that featured Latinx traditions which come from Africa. A special thank you to Prof. Gloria Rodriguez (who is known for her work as a Young Lord) for supporting this event.

23. I was voted to be on a Task Force at BCC where we focus on how to address issues of equity for faculty and staff of color and female faculty and staff. It is an honor to have such a great responsibility at my college.

24. I was able to visit the beachy side of Long Island, including legendary Cherry Grove, which was so much fun! This trip allowed me to understand New York in ways I hadn't before.

25. I had a wonderful visit by Nova and her wonderful mother and family. The time is never enough!

26. I had so much fun going to Afro-Punk and seeing Fishbone, Bad Brains, Living Color, and George Clinton jam onstage!! Wow! We also saw the Prophets of Rage a week earlier. What an August!

27. My dear friend Chris, who I hadn't seen for over a year, visited and we had such a wonderful time chatting in our backyard. Miss you so much already! When in Los Angeles for AWP, we got to see my dearest, most fun high school friend, Jen (so much fun!) and her man, Brian, while staying with Vincent's college friend Derek and his fiancee, Callan. Thanks for the hospitality! Vincent and I also visited our dear friend, Andrew, in Vermont; again, never enough time.

28. I had a poem accepted for the special Mendez v. Westminster issue of The American Studies Journal; that is forthcoming and I can't wait!

29. I was commissioned by The Dodge Poetry Foundation, NJTV, and the Center for Investigative Reporting to write a poem in response to the heroin crisis. The poem was debuted at The Dodge Poetry Festival in October, and it is published on NJTV's site here. I am extremely proud of this work because a lot of research went into it. I followed the journey of the poppy, and learned a lot about our economy in the process. It is not an easy truth to bear.

30. I wrote two pieces, upon request by the incredible poet, Rosebud Ben-Oni. The first is on Latina intellectuals, and it went viral. A million thanks to everyone who shared it. It was published by VIDA here. The second piece was a collaboration with other writers, and it was in response to the election. It is published by Kenyon Review, and it is here.

31. I also wrote a longer essay in response to the election, published by English Kills Review, and it is here. Thank you Ian MacAllen for publishing it and to all who shared it.

32. I was asked by Cindy Cooper to be part of a series of creative workshops with women at Greenhope. This request came later in the year and I was so tired and depressed because of recent events; it was a gift to receive this opportunity and to have good conversation with truly generous artists. I thank Cindy for that.

33. I had the honor of seeing SC Justice Sonia Sotomayor accept the Tisch Award in Civic Leadership, and the double-honor of asking her a question. She was delighted to tell me what the most exciting thing about being "the only Latina in the room" is: "Having a voice."

34. Marina Carreira invited me to celebrate the life of LGBTQ activist and amazing poet Louie Crew Clay, who just turned 80! I and many other poets I admire read at the event and had cake. He made me blush when he said, "I always want to hear you read more." I don't feel deserving because he is the real deal, but I'll keep remembering the words when I doubt myself.

35. I was able to take Mami to Carnegie Hall to see the New York Pops play Christmas tunes, in celebration of her 78th birthday. It was the happiest I've seen her in months!

36. I had a wonderful lunch with Ysabel Gonzalez and learned that she is cousins with DZine, the artist who brought life to my Chicago underground youth (at places like the warehouse party Club Naked and Wicker Park club, Red Dog)! Small world!

37. My 45th birthday party this year had all my friends and family dancing, and Papi was the highlight of the event when he was practically breakdancing to house classic, "Din Daa Daa." Alzheimer's has nothing on Chicago house!

38. My dear friend Norma had open heart surgery this year. I was so fearful, but I knew she was strong. It has been such a blessing to see her recover so well. I can't wait until I see her next summer. I will be in town then, Norma! Abrazos!

39. GRITO also performed at my old alma mater, The University of Texas at San Antonio, as part of its Creative Writing Reading Series (something that I never in my wildest dreams I thought would happen). It was pretty dope. Thank you to Wendy Barker for inviting us and thank you to Norma Cantu for coming to see us. I also thank all of our former students who showed up (a special shout to Blanca Hurley who has never ceased to be supportive).



40. The biggest gift has been seeing how my family - from both Vincent's side and my side - have come together to support my parents. I am eternally grateful.

I write this list because I must remember the blessings. It has sometimes been hard to remember the blessings when watching my father's mental state decline, watching my mother suffer because of his condition, and struggling to create special moments with Vincent when we are so busy with caregiving and work. It is also difficult when we are constantly being told that it is the end of the world because of our political situation. Yes, there are many challenges ahead, but it is clear that I have such wonderful people around me, and so many of them are supportive and giving and generous that I wonder how in the world I can repay them for their generosity. All I can say to my friends and family (especially Vincent, mi vida. my love) is this:

THANK YOU FOR ONE OF THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE.

How the Media Destroys Black Lives Matter: "Anchor Left, Pivot Right"

As a college professor who teaches her students to decipher information, I have found it increasingly difficult to guide my students through current rhetoric, current texts, whether they be in the form of books, articles, films, documentaries, or performances. What I've come to understand is that, in the guise of complexity, insidious messages are couched within the framework of sensible logic and liberalism or even the idea of "revolution." An overt, less sophisticated example would be the stereotypes perpetuated in the films of Quentin Tarantino--stereotypes about women or people of color that rarely show any wisdom or complex characterization--all presented in way that tries to convince the viewer a violent woman is liberated or a revenge-driven Black man is happy. I lament how often film-goers think Tarantino has a revolutionary message. He does not.

However, there are other, more sophisticated examples of how we imply a liberal message while actually planting a covert, conservative message, a message which actually serves the status quo and keeps people divided. For example, current rhetoric about former President Theodore Roosevelt would have us believe that he was a pioneer of democracy, despite the fact that he led with a "Big Stick" mentality and enslaved people of color throughout the world with his foreign policies. Our documentarians are not revising history when they change the rhetoric about his bullying ways; no, they are showing the complexity of the man, supposedly. The result: venerating a man that caused the deaths of countless South American and Caribbean peoples. The internalized message: it's okay to enslave/murder people as long as they don't live too close to us. It isn't a surprise that such a message is important to those in power today, given our neoliberal global economy. Another example is how in Arizona, Latinx studies classes, and many books (by both Latinx and non-Latinx authors), were banned not because of racism, but because they were supposedly divisive and could cause treasonous actions. Pay no mind to the fact that the students, both students of color and Whites, who took the classes graduated at much higher rates than students who didn't. While this ban was, thankfully, overturned, the rhetoric at the time was that banning the classes and books was protecting students from racism. The internalized message to non-Latinx: Latinx studies is dangerous and causes controversy, and Latinx and historical books are bad.

And now, some of us wonder how in the world there can be anyone who doesn't understand the reform that is needed in our police departments, in our educational systems, in our political system, in terms of respecting the lives of people of color, most importantly Black brothers and sisters. How is it possible that some folks don't understand the gravity of the situation? Those of us who have been stopped, or who have family who have been stopped, or who have experienced both macro- and micro-aggressions in the workplace or elsewhere, or who have lost loved ones, or who were nearly lost ourselves, we know exactly what is happening. But how can someone who read about Dr. Henry Louis Gates, Jr. being arrested on his porch not understand? How can someone who saw the blood spilled over and over on video not understand? How can someone who can look out the window and see that their environment is Whiter than Wonder bread, and know how it got that way, and know that it will remain that way, not understand? How can some of us who claim to be open-minded and loving, who claim to be good people, not understand?

I know how. It is because we are inundated with little seeds that many of us do not see. I see these seeds because they nearly killed me throughout my life, so I trained myself to see them, as a survival tactic. Many of us never notice them at all.

Who plants these seeds? Lots of people, but there is a current ringmaster. His name is Steve Bannon. He runs what I would call a media think tank and empire where young people, most White but not all, push a message that supports a conservative agenda. His storied biography is covered in depth here, and you'll find that in addition to having a military background, he worked on Wall Street, he took over a studio in Hollywood (one that produced hit indie films The Indian Runner and Julie Taymor's Titus), he jumped into television at the perfect time to make lots of money off hit TV show Seinfeld, and also became a leader of conservative web media when Andrew Breitbart died and Bannon became executive chairman of Breitbart.com.

Somehow, Bannon, who has a degree from Harvard Law and degree in national security from Georgetown, always seems to be in the right place at the right time, and he has used those moments to his advantage in order to be of great influence in the media. For example, after making his indie films in Hollywood, he quickly changed his tune and then began to make documentaries on conservative leaders like Ronald Reagan and Sara Palin (I acknowledge that I'm stretching the boundaries of meaning by calling her a leader). His earnings from his time at Goldman Sachs, royalties from Seinfeld, and other successful jobs and investments, have also allowed him to train and support other young, conservative writers.

One of the most successful is Wynton Hall, a Texas A&M graduate who is a regular speaker on Bill O'Reilly's The Radio Factor, and who has ghostwritten many books (some NYTimes bestsellers) for conservative politicians, Jewish icons, and - wait for it - Kylie and Kendall Jenner (are you surprised?). Hall's prowess as a writer sets the tone for the group of writers that Bannon has cultivated, and Hall often has mottos and phrases that he repeats in order to inspire. This activity is what brings me back to the theme of this essay, and how the crucial need behind Black Lives Matter is slowly chipped away by insidious media. One of the phrases that Hall promotes in the think tank is, "Anchor left, pivot right." What that means is that articles that are posted on Breitberg.com, for example, which are the most right-wing articles you can think of and that can be really polarizing, are not useful for the conservative, neoliberal mission (a mission which wishes to put public dollars into private hands - think of how our prisons have been privatized, how charter schools funnel public dollars into private institutions, and how projects like that ruin the lives of people of color). Instead, it is better to start with a seemingly liberal idea or seemingly logical idea - such as, our schools are in trouble and we don't want to burden the public with more taxes - then the idea is pivoted into a conservative realm - so, we should allow the private sector, for fewer dollars than would normally be spent on schools, to provide a better education for our children. We often don't realize the problems with such a strategy until we find ourselves with schools that don't accept children of color at the same rate as others, that don't provide equal support for disabled students, and that skew success rates by expelling students who need more help. Anchor left, pivot right.

The anchor left, pivot right rhetoric is especially dangerous because it is not a Fox News tactic. It is a New York Times tactic. As the Bloomberg News article I linked to above reports, Bannon's book on Hillary Clinton provided information that was widely cited in the NYTimes. The article literally states that the conservative information is preferably "weaponized...onto the front page of the New York Times." In other words, even though we may think we are reading the most liberal and well-written news in the country, "facts" in some of the articles can be from a decidedly conservative and agenda-driven source: Bannon's think tank. Bannon and Hall stress that they work in facts, and even go so far as to use a program that mines the Deep Web for hard-to-find information. The NYTimes also cited one of their Deep Web finds, regarding the Clintons and donors who benefited from their relationship. While this kind of journalism seems reputable - facts are facts, right? - what we forget is that Donald Trump, who Bannon endorses enthusiastically, hasn't allowed the public to see his tax returns at all. The implication is that the Clintons are doing something wrong, but the same scrutiny is not given to the candidate that Bannon endorses. Anchor left, pivot right is done to get liberals to question their own ideas, but Bannon does not encourage his group to anchor right and pivot left in order to get conservatives to question their ideas. The idea is to undermine the ideas of people who are in the middle or left and steer them to a conservative viewpoint, and never the other way around, which results in a lot of unquestioned conservative thinking.

Ultimately, this information that Bannon's group generates comes to you in the form of posts that friends you probably have de-friended have put on social media. For example, the video that started my initial search into this group of writers shows a goofy looking man by the name of Milo Yiannopoulos explaining why "Black Lives Don't Matter to Black Lives Matter," his main argument being that Black people kill each other more than police kill Black people. I knew the statistics and argument were nonsense when I saw the video, and most of the people posting in the thread of the video knew that, too, but there were some folks who were convinced by the weak argument. Yiannopoulos is a senior editor at Breitbart News, and apparently he was recently denied a visit to DePaul University because the students protested, but the video was not disseminated by him. It was posted by Subject: Politics, tagline: "No Safe Spaces Here." The tagline implies that those of us who have advocated for safe spaces where we can be ourselves without persecution are asking for something silly. The tagline implies the LGBTQ community needs to "man up" and the Black Lives Matter organization needs to "get over" an issue that supposedly doesn't exist. The tagline completely ignores how many Black, Brown, and LGBTQ people have been murdered and persecuted for centuries.

Subject: Politics does not list its Board of Directors or even just a webmaster, but I found the guy who runs it. Subject: Politics is run by Eric Wemlinger and he lives in Washington, D.C., he was a Constituent Visitor Assistant to Senator Richard Burr (R-NC), and he, like Bannon and Hall, is a White man. (Wemlinger, as of the printing of this essay, is also on Facebook.) Bannon funds the creation of content, Hall creates the content, Wemlinger disseminates the content. And that is just one scenario of how these insidious ideas infiltrate our media. There are other writers and other bloggers who mirror this dynamic. Bannon, on the other hand, seems to be one of the main funders of such information.

These White men, and others like them, and people of color who somehow work for them (hello people like Stacey Dash and Wendy Williams), work night and day to influence folks who are somewhere in between the right and left - and that is most of us, realistically. They anchor their statements in those that we already hold, and then they veer the conversation towards what they really want, which is continued power for White men. This is an exciting game to them, a game that their privilege allows while the rest of us face possible death while it's being played. Sometimes the seeds seem innocuous: like an episode of Seinfeld where a person of color with an accent is the butt of a joke the group of friends enjoys; or an episode of Saturday Night Live where we finally have Black actors, but a White actor plays an ignorant, sleazy Latina with a horrible accent, or an episode where we are asked to laugh at a presidential candidate who hates people of color. These are not innocuous moments. These are the seeds that make horrible ideas grow in us, ideas that make us think someone's poverty inevitably brought on being shot by police, ideas that make us think that we have nothing to do with what is going on because we are different from those who are affected, ideas that allow us to brush off the buffoonery of a race, ideas that allow us to see others as less than human, thus allowing us to degrade our own humanity in the process.

Don't let your principles be steered by anyone. Be aware of the anchor left, pivot right dynamic. Find out who is in control of the information and what their motives are.

Me? I'll tell you my motive: I want to live and I want all my brothers and sisters to live and thrive. We've fought for our lives for centuries. We ain't about to stop now.

Jersey City Vigil for Orlando Victims

Tonight, 6/14/2016, I went to Jersey City, the place I called home for several years, for a vigil remembering the victims of the violent act at Pulse Nightclub in Orlando, Florida.

As I walked up to Newark Avenue Pedestrian Plaza, I immediately remembered how diverse Jersey City is. When I worked at Hudson County Community College years ago, I became familiar with the fact that Jersey City is one of the most, if not the most, diverse city in the United States. Hundreds of countries, languages, and ethnicities are represented in J.C. This is why the vigil in Chilltown, as JC is lovingly known, was so special. Partners of every gender representation and color held hands, men in turbans handed out free water to people who came for the event, young Latinx and African American folks handed out free candles. It was an impressive sight.

One of the first speakers of the evening was a Muslim man from Jersey City, representing a local organization. He said a prayer that promoted unity and understanding, and that urged non-violence. He prayed for the families of the victims and emphasized that if one falls, we all fall. Then, the names of the dead were voiced, but the speakers also included statements from the family and friends of the victims, details that allowed us to understand their unique personalities, facts that allowed us to visualize their last moments, like the fact that a mother died shielding her son on that night, just to name one example. Everyone listened intently, and many wept.

The main message of the evening was love, and a need for gun control, especially in terms of automatic weapons. The crowd cheered the possibility of a safer world, but they especially cheered love and genuine acceptance.

It was beautiful to see so many people come together in love. And what happened among those present was in stark contrast to the rhetoric that has been promoted on television and in the media, in general. I believe that coming together - breathing air together, catching our breath, in sync, just like the victims tried to do that night to the rhythm of music - I think the coming together is the truth. I don't believe anything that the media is promoting now. When we come together and look into each other's faces, we know we love each other. We know we do not want what people who are out of sync fool themselves into wanting or believing.

The message in the media right now is fascist. When I watched Bill O'Reilly on The Late Show, on 6/13/2016, spew hatred and say words like "annihilation" in regards to certain populations of people, I knew he was out of sync, or wanted to get people to be out of sync, for whatever reasons he might have. Shame on Colbert for allowing him to speak such hatred. The FBI has said over and over that this crime had nothing to do with any extreme groups. The facts show that this man was out of sync with his own body, with his own gender identity and sexuality. That is a result of the hateful fascist ideology that is promoted regarding the LGBTQ population, an ideology so many folks have worked hard to fight against. Donald Trump has tried to use this tragedy, just as O'Reilly has, to promote his own fascist agenda, too. He is also out of sync. They promote violence, war, walls, guns. Violence, war, walls, and guns are fascist. These men also promote corporate, neoliberal* domination, and that is fascist, too. These unwelcoming men are ugly and they have no real connection to the population of the world. They need cameras and microphones to be heard. We are forced to listen to them because they are loud, and because equally ugly people give them the power to be heard. Shut that noise out. It isn't the truth.

Tonight, in Jersey City, the people in the crowd needed no microphones or cameras to hear each other. The love was felt between everyone because we were all tuned to the same frequency. We all know that warm, loving acceptance of people is the only way. That love is an art form, much like dancing to music in a room full of people who all know the pattern of the baseline, every beat, moving in sync, smiling at each other without saying a word, understanding that the same blood is pumping through everyone's veins, knowing that everyone's heart is squeezing out the same rhythm, the rhythm of life.

Thank you, Jersey City, for creating a safe place for all of us to remember, recognize, and rejuvenate.



*Neoliberalism is the process of transferring public funds and resources to the private sector.

Adam Maljan, the DJ I Grew Up With, Has Died

I only have one picture with Adam Maljan. It is a Polaroid that was taken when he came to a church banquet with me in 1987. I had just turned 16 that September. It was the year the teachers went on strike, and we were partying until the beginning of October, which is probably when this event took place. He didn't want to get in the conga line, but he sat off to the side, and he watched me dance with my parents, laughing.

I met him the spring before that. My high school friend, Jake Austen (he had the Chica Go-Go show in Chicago, and his brother, Ben, writes important articles for the New York Times), was having a killer party in Hyde Park. Jake had been advertising Club Naked, a club which was run by Adam's older brother, Troy Abshire, and many other folks, and where Adam was learning to become a DJ. Every week Jake handed out flyers for Club Naked at Kenwood, our high school. He was really good at promoting a party. So, when I saw Adam and Bryan Sperry handing out flyers at Jake's party, I said, "Oh, I know about that place," even though I'd never been there. I took a flyer and huffed away. Later, Adam would admit that he remembered me from that night and thought I was a B-I-T-C-H. I remembered him from that night, too. He had such pale skin and such red lips, and his hair was slicked back like a jazz man from the 1930s, with waves. I thought he looked androgynous, strange. He looked different from anyone else.

Over a month later, I was sitting bored with friends, listening to the Saturday night mixes on the radio, and in our desperation for something to do, I pulled out the flyer, which was still in my purse. We decided to give it a shot. The music was so wonderful, and the dancing was so excellent, we became regulars at Club Naked. But I didn't officially meet Adam right away. I was dating a guy who eventually went away to college, so I had my mind on him, and Adam wasn't too impressed with my spiked hair, so he didn't pay much mind yet. It was in late summer, when we should have already been in school but weren't because of the strike, that we finally talked to each other. I wore my hair like you see in the picture above, and that is what drew him to me, at least that is what he said. We bonded over music and style. He was floored that I knew both house music and odd rock like rare, early Talking Heads. He traveled up north and I shared my love of David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve in "The Hunger," and I traveled south and we listened to jazz records. My mother remembers that we all went to the Chicago Jazz Festival to see Irakere together. But he was younger than me, and that meant a lot in those early years. He didn't know how to act in our relationship and was often argumentative. I knew the relationship wouldn't last, but somehow an indelible impression had been left. He had such a good ear. There were very few other people who I met during my high school years that appreciated a wide range of music. I learned to appreciate Bobby McFerrin more through him. We sweated Annie Lennox's voice, and Santana instrumentals, and he even went to see Front 242 with me. Damn, I'd forgotten that one. We went to the Metro for the concert and then took the bus down to Club Naked afterward; what a night! And because of him, I pulled out my disco records, which I had abandoned for punk at that time, a little more often.

I stayed connected to Club Naked for a while, but eventually, I lost touch with the group because I became focused on studying once in college. I literally had to abandon all my friends, even my best friend, so that I wouldn't party and just focus on school. But once I got the hang of things, maybe around 1991 or 1992, I decided I could handle going out to dance again. That's when my best friend's boyfriend told me that Adam was DJing at a club in Wicker Park. "It's called Red Dog," he said.

"Really? Is it any good?"

"Uh, yeah, it's really good. You should go."

I did go, and when I got there, I decided to say "hi," even though I was worried he'd be annoyed or not remember me. I was lifted into an overhead DJ booth and the person behind the turntables was unrecognizable. Adam had dreds! When he saw me, a huge smile came on his face and he gave me a big hug. Then I introduced him to my boyfriend, and his smile sank. I decided I should cut things short.

However, months later, when the relationship I was in had ended, and I was lonely and somewhat nervous about dating someone entirely new, I figured I'd give Adam a call. It was easy to reach him in Pilsen, as his family was established there. He called me right back and asked me to dinner. We began dating right away and I became a fixture at Red Dog, completely mesmerized with how he had grown as a DJ. His hit "Zig Zag" was playing everywhere, and it was a joy to dance three or four times a week. I was working two jobs and I was an excellent student at Columbia College Chicago, so dancing was a way to de-stress. It was also fascinating to see everyone from Club Naked again. Dzine had done the artwork at Red Dog, Troy and his crew were the United Freaks of America, and they were all so beautiful, especially Yvette, whose outfits were inspirational.

I spent most of my nights in Adam's loft or listening to tracks in his studio, when we weren't at Red Dog. If I stayed all night, I called home to let my folks know, and Troy would say, "That's nice. You're a good girl. That's really nice." Adam wasn't ever as mellow as Troy back then. He was more argumentative than I remembered him in high school. But his ear. Now he was really into Duke Ellington, and when we listened to Bjork, he always pointed out the squeaky highs in her singing, and I learned, "Yes, that is the thing that gets to your bones, to your inner guts, that squeak, that desperate squeak." He pointed out the squeaks in Janis Joplin, and when we went to see "Carlito's Way," the squeak in Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful," right at the end, when he sings, "...to me...." One night, he took me into the studio and played an early version of "Chunk-a-Nova," and he asked me what I thought. I said, "That's cool," in a totally inexpressive way. It was not what he needed. Yet, weeks later when it was playing everywhere, and I was dancing like crazy to it, he said, "You didn't act this way about it when I shared it with you," I had no explanation for him. I don't think he realized that he knew how to hear something before others could hear it. He knew what the whole room wanted to hear. I felt moved when he'd mix Pink Floyd in with a deep house track, for example. The bizarre combinations broke racial barriers, broke art barriers, and they created a harmony that most of us wished for in human interactions but rarely found.

Adam was a true artist, but at the time, I sensed a lot of frustration. One night, when he'd taken a bevy of pills and inhalants, he had a panic attack and I had to sit with him in the stairwell of Red Dog to calm him down. He said he didn't think what he wanted was going to happen and that's why he was so nervous all the time. He said to me, "Do you want to know what I really want?"

I said, "Sure."

"I've never said this to anyone. Don't repeat this."

"Okay."

"I want to be like Quincy Jones. I want to be able to make amazing music and help other people make amazing music." He looked so scared to tell me.

I said, "But don't you know I know that already? It's obvious."

When his birthday came around in February, I bought him a book. It was a well-received tome all about every jazz musician you can think of. I figured he could read about them and maybe follow in their footsteps, DJ-style. He didn't like the gift, at least that's how he acted. "Buyin' a DJ a book, psshh," he said, looking at it. I didn't think that maybe, as a high school drop out, he had disdain for books. That broke my heart because I thought it was a thoughtful gift. He often grew cranky, in ways I didn't understand. He complained about so many things and people, and the only thing that calmed him down was DJing (and what he was named after, sometimes).

One night, when he was packing up records to go to Red Dog - that's what DJs did back then (!) - he was particularly cranky, swearing about this and that, throwing things around. I asked him, "You don't really like anyone, do you?"

"No," he said without pause. When he saw the look on my face, he backtracked and said, "Oh, but I like you." He didn't understand that what he saw on my face wasn't a desperate need to be loved by him, but a genuine sadness because of his sadness. I wanted him to love life, I wanted him to feel how I felt when he played his mixes, I wanted him to dance and feel what I felt when I danced. I didn't try to explain to him. I knew, just like Troy implied when he called me a "good girl," that my experience was different.

He wasn't the best boyfriend, so things ended. Every now and then we'd see each other, here and there, but it was finally over around 1994 or so. There were ways in which Adam hurt me that I cannot express here, but I will say that I was able to forgive him, perhaps because it felt like we grew up together. We were kids, you know? Trying to have fun, trying to figure things out, usually failing.

I didn't reconnect with him again until the invention of Facebook. When I did see him on the site, our interactions were pleasant enough. When our friend Larissa planned a Club Naked reunion, I was initially excited about it, but then when it actually came to going, I felt like I had moved on and wasn't sure I wanted to open that door again. I didn't go. Nonetheless, Adam came to me for help with his Red Dog page, and regularly reposted my blog about Club Naked, at one point even saying to me that he thought I was an excellent writer. When we had dated, he had judged my ability to be a writer, so his change of heart felt like it came from the heart. He had never been one to admit he was wrong before.

If Facebook is good for anything, it is good for seeing how an interaction with someone can change into something you didn't expect it to be. I did not have any significant relationship with Adam for the last 20 years, but the interactions that we did have in the distant past shaped me, in both good and bad ways. It means so much to me that, in his own way, he took back the bad and acknowledged that he'd been wrong about some things. It also means a lot to me that I got to see how he survived many challenging years and situations, and maybe learned something, maybe became a better man. But what pleases me the most is that he never gave up making music. It's nice to know that neither one of us abandoned our dreams, the dreams we shared with each other when we were kids.

Adam will never read my book, but this poem in it, which has been read across the country, was inspired by him and our time at Club Naked and Red Dog (normally, it is sung; he won't ever get to hear me sing it, either):

I Lost My Virginity to a DJ

deep

deep

deep

deep

Fiasco’s drinkin’ gin and tonic

deep

deep

deep

deep

Fiasco’s drinkin’ gin and tonic

deep

deep

deep

deep

curly girl’s walkin’ in with a fake fur

deep

deep

curly girl’s walkin’ in with a fake fur

deep

deep

blue…light in the water

deep

deep

red…light in the water

deep

deep

deep

deep

coat check girl is under eighteen

but her daddy’s the owner, know what I mean

deep down

deep down

deep down

deep down

bartender is her brother

I ain’t ever seen her mother

deep down

deep down

deep down

deep down

curly girl is spinnin’ in the middle of the crowd

deep down

deep down

deep down

deep down

don’t go into the stairwell

the walls and the floorboards have a thing or two to tell you

deep down

deep down

deep down

deep down

a sniff a pipe a sip a life

deep down

deep down

tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock

deep down

deep down

deep down

deep down

slide that leg arms reach overhead

and bounce

deep down

and bounce

deep down

hide in a groove

in a circle that moves

deep down

in the wax

deep down

skippin’ beats on the trax

deep down

in the wax

deep down

on the trax

deep down

deep down

deep down

curly girl is walkin’ out as the loop ends

deep

deep

deep

deep

gatherin’ in the alley

cars drivin’ off to who? where?

deep

deep

deep

deep

good-bye

deep

deep

deep

deep

good-night

*

Reproductive Freedom Festival

I'm extremely proud to be able to say that I am part of an international group of women whose monologues were chosen for the Reproductive Freedom Festival. You can check out the bios of the talented women involved with the festival here; I'm in good company!

This event is extremely important to me because Latinas are often treated in a condescending fashion when they are getting medical care, especially in terms of their reproductive rights. Whether there is a language barrier, whether they are being pushed to participate in studies they don't understand or have no knowledge of, or whether they are outright lied to, Latinas need to be aware of their reproductive rights. Latinas are also pushed into the role of mother/caregiver to an extent that their many other talents can be ignored; reproductive freedom ensures that Latinas can choose to be whomever they want to be and explore life to the fullest in surprising ways.

The event will be taped live today, 3/20/2016, at TACT Studios in Manhattan, starting at 5:30 p.m. 

All of the monologues and interviews with the writers will be live streamed via the Reproductive Freedom website here. You can watch talented New York actors perform the work of the writers, while live tweeting your thoughts and reactions during the performances.

I'd love for you to watch the event, wherever you may be, and enjoy the insights of women all over the world. My specific monologue will be performed Julissa Roman, between 6:00-6:30 p.m. I'll be in the studio during the live taping. Maybe you'll see me!  

Cheers,

GYA

The United States Abuses Its Elderly Population

http://www.dentalcare.ca/images/en-CA/education/ce401/fig05.jpg

She didn't look at us when she barked her orders. Eventually, when we questioned her tone, questioned the extra steps she was asking us to take, she looked at our faces, our younger faces, but she didn't look at her. She didn't look at Mami. The barking woman, who was supposed to be helping us at the Bergen County Department of Motor Vehicles didn't look at my elderly mother, who we had to drag out on a cold day because on the previous day we were told that the person who had Power of Attorney over my father, who has Alzheimer's, had to be there. Like a good daughter, I had tried to do all of this for my parents, so that they would not have to worry about red tape anymore in their old age. I went to the DMV with the doctor's form and I tried to get a handicapped placard so that my dad, Papi, would not have to walk too much, in his delirium, when we took him to appointments or restaurants. Our kind doctor said it would be a breeze, "Just give them this form. It's only a placard, not the actual plate or anything."

But this was not the case, because not only did the folks at the DMV make me drag my mother there, they also mistreated us when we questioned the now additional requirements they hadn't mentioned the day before, they yelled at us, they told us to calm down when we spoke in a normal tone, and they even threatened to remove us from the station. All this, just so that I could get a small plastic square that acknowledges that my dad is old and needs help. Didn't the doctor confirm that? My little viejita mother was pointing her finger at the folks at the DMV, caliente, upset, and they still didn't listen to her, she who has lived more than them and has more wisdom in her little toe than they. I told her, "Vamonos, they don't care about what they are making a viejita do here." The woman behind the counter, finally seeing my mother and maybe even thinking about her mistake said, "Yes, we do." I said, "No, you don't," and we left.

This is how we treat our elderly in the United States. This past weekend, my husband and I decided to see the new Michael Moore film, "Where to Invade Next," and I was struck by what a woman, a CEO in a northern European country, said directly to us, citizens of the U.S. She said, and I paraphrase, "I would not want to live there in a million years because of how you treat each other. I could not live with myself knowing that even though there is plenty, there are people who go hungry, there are elderly people who aren't cared for. I couldn't live with it." Michael Moore said to her that he felt bad about it and she said, "Well, that's good. You should."

I do, too. I cannot bear it. On the drive home, being solution-oriented as I am, I decided that the best way to solve this problem is to give the doctors the power to distribute the placards. If the person drives, then yes, of course, have the person go to the DMV, but if it is just an issue of giving a placard to someone who is a caregiver, the doctor can do that. But that is only a Band Aid. The larger issue is how we treat our elderly. It is atrocious how we treat them. Each person should carry a reverence for someone who managed to stay alive longer than us. However, that takes proper training.

First of all, we have to see them. If they aren't in our lives regularly, how in the world are we going to learn from them and treat them properly? We must interact! I thank my parents for ensuring that I grew up with elderly people throughout my life, dancing with them, laughing with them, and learning from them constantly. The U.S. and England are notorious for locking their elderly away in facilities and abandoning them. But that is only the beginning of the possible abuse we inflict on those who gave us all the knowledge in our brains. Let me outline care for the elderly, how we treat them, and then maybe suggest what we could be doing differently.

Roughly 20% of the U.S. population is over the age of 60; that's about 63 million people. That is a lot of people, in case you're bad at math. Furthermore, the elderly population is growing at a faster rate than ever before because we're living longer, so expect to be part of that ever-growing population. We're clearly not prepared for this change, as has been widely stated by countless fumbling politicians who don't know what to do with the population they are soon to be a part of. We've made healthcare part of our political rhetoric, but we haven't successfully addressed the growing need for elder care in the United States. Nearly 30% of the adult population in the United States is giving care to an elderly person, some of whom are also disabled and/or have dementia or Alzheimer's disease. These unpaid caregivers provide work that is valued at about half a trillion dollars.

The U.S. government is taking advantage of the fact that the mainly female caregivers are providing their work for free. Future Alzheimer's care alone is expected to exceed $1 trillion annually. The government wants no part in paying for that. If the women give the work for free, why bother? In other words, this is not only an elder rights issue, but it is also a women's rights issue. Women are not being given the support they need, often going into debt to support their aging parents. Not surprising, some elderly folks end up homeless because they either don't have family to care for them or because their family cannot take on the financial/emotional burden. In fact, there is a projected increase in homelessness among the elderly because our population over 60 is growing, so the number of elderly who are homeless will, in turn, increase. Right now, we have 45,000 homeless seniors; that is expected to double by 2050. I think that number should always be zero. I don't see any reason why there should ever be an elderly person on the street. It is the worst offense possible.

But even elderly folks who do have the financial/mental stability to have a home and healthcare have a difficult job ahead of them in the United States. Elderly folks in the U.S. are sicker than in other countries. 68% of our elderly have two or more chronic health conditions; compare that with 37% in New Zealand. I choose New Zealand because it is the only other nation with an obesity rate close to ours. Somehow, even though they are 30% obese, they still manage to stay healthier than us into old age. That, despite the fact that we spend much more than most other developed nations on healthcare, especially in terms of out-of-pocket costs. Over 10% of the U.S. population reported difficulty with paying medical costs, and while seniors definitely benefit from Social Security and Medicare, nearly 20% of U.S. citizens over the age of 65 report not going to the doctor or taking a prescription because of issues with the cost. Again, that is an unlawful burden that we are placing on the elderly. They, who gave us everything that allows us to exist, should not be expected to worry about the costs of their care, especially medical care. Would we expect a child to pay for his/her medicine? I am not infantilizing our elderly with that comparison; I am reminding everyone that just as we were taken care of when we were vulnerable, we must take care of those who gave us so much when they, too, return to a vulnerable state.

The inevitable result of disregarding the elderly in such a widespread fashion is outright abuse. We have set a precedent in this country, one of total abandonment of age, wisdom, and responsibility, and that has led to the widespread abuse of our elders. We often hear of children being abused, but did you know that we abuse our elderly at nearly the same rate? About 6 million children a year are abused in the United States; it is estimated that about 5 million elderly people are abused a year, but most abuse isn't reported because the elderly are incapable of sharing the information and they are incredibly isolated, more than a school-going child would be. Similar to child abuse, it is often family members who are abusing the elderly. This would occur less if folks had the support to care for the elderly properly. We have extensive systems in place to try to minimize how many children are abused but we have nothing in place to ensure that the elderly are not neglected, abused, or taken advantage of. To return to the notion that this is a female rights issue, 33% of women with disabilities  in elder care report being abused. That is one-third! What is also important to note is that the elderly are especially vulnerable in terms of their finances. The abuse is not just physical and mental, it is also financial. Simply put, we steal from our elderly, and that deserves prosecution. Most people haven't heard of elder abuse, while all of us have heard of child abuse, but that shouldn't be so. We should all know about how we neglect and abuse our elders in this country. There is even a World Elder Abuse Prevention Day; it is on June 15th.

Ever watchful, the treatment of the elderly intrigued Jared Diamond, author of Guns, Germs, and Steel, and UCLA professor. He decided to study it and figure out why different cultures treat the elderly in different ways. He said this in an interview: " 'The repositories of knowledge are the memories of old people,' Diamond said. 'If you don’t have old people to remember what happened 50 years ago, you’ve lost a lot of experience for that society,' from communal history to advice on how to survive a cyclone or other natural disaster." In Korean cultures, there are special celebrations at the 60th and 70th birthdays, and in Chinese cultures, one is ostracized for putting a parent in a nursing home, according to this article. We would never ostracize someone for placing their parent in a home in the U.S. because we all have very long workdays that rarely allow us to care for our own children, let alone our parents, properly. It would be great to adopt the customs of other countries, or be able to support our own customs - Latinos/as traditionally care for the elderly in the home - here in the U.S., but without social support, it is incredibly difficult. Interestingly, a Latina wrote this article on the same subject, how we treat the elderly around the world. Karina Martinez-Carter starts the essay with the Elderly Rights Law, passed in China, which requires children to treat their elderly parents in a humane way, visiting them at least once a week. China, too, has long work hours and young people who have moved to urban centers to work, but unlike the U.S., they have made it a requirement to care for the elderly. They are experiencing their own challenges, especially because their one-child policy created a lack of children to actually care for parents, but the government does reimburse citizens for in-home care, which would be considered shocking in the U.S.

However, that is exactly what I am recommending. Just as parents are given tax credits for having children, adult children should be given some sort of reimbursement or credit for caring for their parents, beyond what the tax law allows for dependents. This site has some suggestions on how to get reimbursed for elder care, but they aren't very good. The first one is to get paid by the elderly you are helping! However, there are also some state programs that, apparently, reimburse caregivers (a little, anyway).

The Hearth Organization, which seeks to end homelessness among the elderly in the U.S. recommends a variety of low-income housing services for the elderly, at both the federal and state levels, and interagency programs with Medicaid and Medicare that connect the elderly to services they would not have known about. I agree with its suggestions. I also believe there should be an initiative to make sure there is never an elderly person on the street. Just as we try not to have homeless children, we should not have homeless elderly folks.

I also suggest that the media be more vocal about this issue, so that we may face it fearlessly as a community and find new ideas. No one is thinking about our elderly, but everyone is thinking about Beyonce's latest video. There's something wrong with that. Julianne Moore could have used the word "Alzheimer's" in her acceptance speech when she won for her role in "Still Alice." She could have advocated for more help in elder care, let alone Alzheimer's research, but she chose not to. That was irresponsible of her.

When I was an undergraduate, a wonderful professor brought in a disabled speaker, a young man who lost use of his legs in a car accident. The most important thing he said, to me, that day, was that we always think of the disabled as "other," as "that" population, even though at any moment we could be part of that population. It is unlike being Latino/a, or White, or Black, because those things don't change. Your ability can change. Anyone can become disabled.

The same is true of being elderly, except for the words "can become." Instead, the words are "will become." Everyone will become elderly. And that shouldn't be perceived as death itself. We have the right to live, and enjoy life, as elderly citizens. We have the right to live and enjoy life until our breath decides to leave and not before.

WE have the right to live with dignity as elderly citizens.
WE have the right to healthcare as elderly citizens.
WE have the right to a safe environment and home as elderly citizens.
WE have the right to be cared for as elderly citizens.
WE have the right to clear and easy access to needed services as elderly citizens.
WE have the right to enjoy our families as elderly citizens.
WE have the right to be respected as the creators of the existing world as elderly citizens.
WE have the right to be honored as the keepers of wisdom as elderly citizens.
WE have the right to happiness as elderly citizens.
WE have the right to live.
WE have the right to live.
WE have the right to live.

New Website!

Sometimes you just have to teach yourself new things! Somehow, I got it in me to create my first website in order to promote my work and the work of my partner in crime, Vincent Toro. Together we are known as GRITO, and our simple new space is located here. We'd love for you to check the space out and learn a little bit more about us and our creative projects and events. And remember, it is my first website, so expect simplicity - be kind, folks! Cheers.